Connecting with his biological relatives opened up a new world for Sebastian Lander, who recently met his natural father.
Six years ago I wrote an article in The Times about the search for and reunion with my biological mother, Sally. It was a cathartic process without any of the betrayal, rejection and resentment that can haunt more fraught circumstances. For that reason, I wanted to share it.
My story was a happy one, free of regret, and not only about the close relationship that I forged with my birth mother, but her subsequent friendship with my adoptive mother too. Now I can add the experience of meeting my natural father and his family into this unusual equation.
Sally and James had agreed to give me up for adoption at birth — both were young and ill-equipped to take on the role of caregivers to a baby, particularly a premature child with health problems. There were few options available to them in late-1970s Britain and, in a nod to the general atmosphere, my typewritten adoption file notes the “status of child” as “illegitimate” — rather unacceptable for the time.
After a year of shuttling between hospital and a (caring) foster home, I was placed with my parents, who already had my three-year-old adopted sister. Growing up, we were aware of being adopted and our natural parents were an unseen but powerful presence. The word “adopt” comes from the Latin adoptare, to choose, and we were told often that we were special because we were exactly that — chosen. To a couple who had spent years trying for a family, we were a precious gift.
While their situation is not common, it is a growing one — last week it emerged that the number of adoptions grew by 12 per cent in the past year after reforms to the system.
It is difficult to capture what it feels like to be adopted — but I recently came across a poem written by my teenage self. “You took me when I wasn’t yours”, I wrote about my parents. “I belonged to no one/ No breast milk/ Only the milk of human kindness/ I don’t have your nose or your eyes/ Yet you reward me/ With kisses that take away my pain”. It makes me cringe now, but illustrates my feelings at the time.
My parents always made it clear that if my sister and I wanted to find these troubled teenage life-givers, they would be wholly supportive. Despite separating when I was 21, they have both stayed true to their word.
While I had a very happy childhood, there were unanswered questions about my identity, a curiosity about what parts of me — physically and characteristically — could be assigned to those who gave me life and those who gave me love. I worried that the search for my natural relations would open a Pandora’s box. Would my adoptive family feel threatened? Did it seem ungrateful or disloyal? Would my birth parents want to resume where they left off? And what if they didn’t want to know me?
And so I met Sally eight years ago, aged 26. I contacted the local authority where I had been born and I found that Sally had sent a letter when I turned 18, expressing a wish to know how I had fared. A letter I had written was forwarded and, after months of writing, e-mailing and telephoning, we met up over lunch in Central London. There was a frank conversation and many questions, all of which Sally answered with unwavering honesty. Did she consider terminating the pregnancy? Yes. Was I easy to give birth to? I “shot” out, apparently.
When I first saw her, there was a kind of instant recognition, and I remember thinking how similar our cheekbones and chin were. In those early days, we agreed that it was like being in love — comfortable, familiar, but a novelty. Sally never married or had any more children and her life situation made it easier for our friendship to blossom — there were no jealous half-siblings or a threatened husband to contend with. It helped that I was not looking for Sally to be a mother, I already had a good one; and Sally still maintains that giving me up was the right thing to do. In the years since then we have built an affectionate friendship that has something of a maternal glow. We have much in common. My adoptive mother and Sally have a caring and respectful attitude towards each other, and she has also met my adoptive father.
In mid-2009 the time felt right to explore the paternal side of my birth family. Once again I contacted the local authority where I had been born.
Searching for James meant jumping through bureaucratic hoops. Sally made a tempting offer. She and James had stayed in contact through exchanging Christmas cards and she thought he would be open to meeting.
While adoption experts recommend professional mediation as the safer route, in this instance I was lucky. Looking back at my initial e-mail to James, I am surprised how bold I was to have written in the subject line: “Hello, after 30 years . . .” The subject title of the e-mail I received two days later was equally encouraging. “Reunion”, it said.
He wrote: “After all these years how fantastic that you have taken the plunge and contacted us.
“I have been half expecting, half hoping that you would wish to find your true origins for some time,” he said. “There are hidden bonds in all of us that guide us into our actions.”
James had married and was the father of a nine-year-old girl. My e-mail, he said, had elicited “a buzz of excitement mixed with happiness” within his family. As an only child, his daughter was happy to discover that she had a half-brother. We arranged to meet for lunch two weeks later.
No one could have guessed the relationships between the six people seated around the table that day. James and his family were present, Sally too, and my partner. My conversation with James was not as frank or well-oiled as the one I had had with Sally, perhaps because there were more relationships to manage that day.
My bond with James has grown. He told me recently: “I liked your face — it reminded me of when I was younger — and your easy manner, but mostly your bravery in meeting strangers.”
We don’t live in each other’s pockets, but whenever we do see each other I discover something new about him that strikes a chord. He is kind and oddly prescient about my life, given the amount of time we spend together. He once managed to aptly sum up my feelings during an uncertain time in my life despite me not having shared my concerns. He was able to read me.
James has four siblings, who all have children, and I am working at getting to know them all. I meet one of his sisters regularly for coffee in London. Another sister’s daughter, my cousin, lived in the same area as me and, after a hiccup in her living situation, I invited her to stay for two months. I even attended James’s brother’s wedding. In the bucolic surrounds of the Yorkshire Dales, I met the rest of my relatives.
When you have spent your life not resembling any of your family, in looks at least, being surrounded by people who reflect some or all of your features is quite unnerving. The sight of James still gives me a shock as I can see so much of myself in him.
While my “new” relatives started off as strangers, we have a biological connection, which is hard to define. Meeting them has made me feel more grounded and complete. Like Sally, her relatives and my adoptive family, they have been unquestionably open.
Meeting my natural family has not affected the way I feel about my adoptive family either. As James recently wrote to me: “When a lot of water has gone under the bridge and you don’t know what has happened to it, it’s nice to catch up with some of it.”
In his first e-mail, I remember him saying that he felt pride about the way I had turned out, and that is something Sally said too. Our parents gave us the same assurance when growing up.
I can see now that I am a group effort, nature and nurture interwoven, a complex dance of genetic and environmental factors. And that’s OK.
The source of story:
http://www.thetimes.co.uk/tto/life/families/article3552989.ece
Showing posts with label U.K.. Show all posts
Showing posts with label U.K.. Show all posts
Government Audit Raises Suspicions of Wrongful Adoptions
The recently publicised cases of Slovak families losing their children to the United Kingdom social services has led the government Human rights committee to audit the Centre for International Legal Protection of Children (CILPC) and hopefully unravel the full scale of the problem, with some curious findings.
Figures cited by SME daily talk about over 300 Slovak children who have been put up for adoption abroad in the past ten years, but not just in the UK. These cases of cross-border adoptions had to be given the green light by CILPC. The government human rights committee has therefore been auditing the work of CILPC, which has had to face criticism over its inactivity or slow reaction in the UK cases, as it could have requested the return of the children to Slovakia.
Read more:
http://www.thedaily.sk/government-audit-raises-suspicions-of-wrongful-adoptions/?wpmp_switcher=desktop
Figures cited by SME daily talk about over 300 Slovak children who have been put up for adoption abroad in the past ten years, but not just in the UK. These cases of cross-border adoptions had to be given the green light by CILPC. The government human rights committee has therefore been auditing the work of CILPC, which has had to face criticism over its inactivity or slow reaction in the UK cases, as it could have requested the return of the children to Slovakia.
In all, it seems that about 100 children were sent to their new fates without the cases firstly being examined by a committee, while there were 357 cases of cross-border adoption (106 being questioned). Older cases from before 2002 remain a mystery as the records have been lost or deliberately destroyed.
Read more:
http://www.thedaily.sk/government-audit-raises-suspicions-of-wrongful-adoptions/?wpmp_switcher=desktop
Fraud charges dropped for adoption facilitator
The British press called them the "Internet twins."
Five years ago, two premature babies were put up for adoption on various Web
sites through an El Cajon adoption firm.
What followed was a tug of war over the girls between an adoptive British couple and relatives of a California couple who also had adopted them. The spat ignited worldwide debate over the legality and morality of using the Internet for adoptions.
International investigations ensued. Fleet Street called the would-be parents from Wales "the most hated couple in Britain." Eventually, the FBI raided the El Cajon home from which the adoption business, A Caring Heart, operated.
Tina Johnson, the woman behind A Caring Heart, was charged with wire fraud and mail fraud in San Diego federal court in 2002.
For remaining article:http://legacy.utsandiego.com/news/metro/20051225-9999-1m25adopt.html
What followed was a tug of war over the girls between an adoptive British couple and relatives of a California couple who also had adopted them. The spat ignited worldwide debate over the legality and morality of using the Internet for adoptions.
International investigations ensued. Fleet Street called the would-be parents from Wales "the most hated couple in Britain." Eventually, the FBI raided the El Cajon home from which the adoption business, A Caring Heart, operated.
Tina Johnson, the woman behind A Caring Heart, was charged with wire fraud and mail fraud in San Diego federal court in 2002.
For remaining article:http://legacy.utsandiego.com/news/metro/20051225-9999-1m25adopt.html
Scandal of 'unqualified' experts who advise our family courts: Decisions about the care of thousands of children routinely flawed
Life-changing decisions about
the care of thousands of children are routinely being made on flawed evidence
from poorly qualified ‘experts’ in the family courts, a damning study
reveals.
More than a fifth of these vital reports are being produced by people who are completely unqualified, the Channel 4 News investigation found.
‘Experts’ used in hundreds of family court proceedings are frequently unqualified or unreliable, the study reveals.
In some cases, reports on parents or children are being given to courts by doctors who have not even seen the individuals concerned.
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2114173/Child-care-scandal-The-unqualified-experts-advise-family-courts.html#ixzz1p9mdxQ93
More than a fifth of these vital reports are being produced by people who are completely unqualified, the Channel 4 News investigation found.
‘Experts’ used in hundreds of family court proceedings are frequently unqualified or unreliable, the study reveals.
In some cases, reports on parents or children are being given to courts by doctors who have not even seen the individuals concerned.
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2114173/Child-care-scandal-The-unqualified-experts-advise-family-courts.html#ixzz1p9mdxQ93
Illegal adoptions contribute to child trafficking
In a new report, World Vision highlights illegal adoption as a contributing factor to child trafficking.
The report, 10 Things You Need To Know About Human Trafficking, warns of situations in which desperation and vulnerability may lead to parties overlooking both the law and child rights in the adoption process.
“It’s important to have systems in place, particularly in vulnerable communities, to ensure the best interests of the child are always at the heart of any adoption,” says World Vision UK’s Child Rights Advisor Philippa Lei.
“As this report highlights, circumventing those systems sets a dangerous precedent that can ultimately contribute to child trafficking.”....
click here for remaining article
The report, 10 Things You Need To Know About Human Trafficking, warns of situations in which desperation and vulnerability may lead to parties overlooking both the law and child rights in the adoption process.
“It’s important to have systems in place, particularly in vulnerable communities, to ensure the best interests of the child are always at the heart of any adoption,” says World Vision UK’s Child Rights Advisor Philippa Lei.
“As this report highlights, circumventing those systems sets a dangerous precedent that can ultimately contribute to child trafficking.”....
click here for remaining article
Orphanage paedophiles are jailed
A British charity worker who founded and ran several shelters for street children in Bombay was sentenced to six years' imprisonment yesterday, convicted of sexually abusing boys in his care.
A retired Royal Navy commander from London who was a regular visitor to the homes was convicted of the same offences, and the Indian manager of the shelters was found guilty of aiding and abetting their crimes.
Known as a 'saviour' of street children, Duncan Grant, 61, set up three shelters for homeless children aged eight to 18 in Bombay in the Nineties. He collected money from churches and schools in Britain, claiming in fundraising brochures that the homes were places where deprived children could 'receive medical attention, share...joys and sorrows with others or simply find someone to talk to'. Actress Felicity Kendal was persuaded to become a patron....
click here for article
A retired Royal Navy commander from London who was a regular visitor to the homes was convicted of the same offences, and the Indian manager of the shelters was found guilty of aiding and abetting their crimes.
Known as a 'saviour' of street children, Duncan Grant, 61, set up three shelters for homeless children aged eight to 18 in Bombay in the Nineties. He collected money from churches and schools in Britain, claiming in fundraising brochures that the homes were places where deprived children could 'receive medical attention, share...joys and sorrows with others or simply find someone to talk to'. Actress Felicity Kendal was persuaded to become a patron....
click here for article
British charity workers abused orphanage boys
By Stephen Khan
Sunday, 19 March 2006
Two British men posing as charity workers subjected impoverished Indian street children to repeated acts of sexual abuse after establishing an orphanage in Bombay.
A court in the city yesterday sentenced Duncan Grant and Allan Waters to six years in prison after finding them guilty of abusing boys at the shelter set up by Grant. They were also fined £20,000 each.
The court also found an Indian, William D'souza, who managed the home, guilty of aiding and abetting the crime. He was sentenced to three years in prison.
"The judgment should go some way to ensure that India is wiped out from the map of people who indulge in sexual abuse of children," said the judge, P S Paranjape, who also announced the formation of a committee to decide how the fines could be used to rehabilitate the victims....
click here for article
Sunday, 19 March 2006
Two British men posing as charity workers subjected impoverished Indian street children to repeated acts of sexual abuse after establishing an orphanage in Bombay.
A court in the city yesterday sentenced Duncan Grant and Allan Waters to six years in prison after finding them guilty of abusing boys at the shelter set up by Grant. They were also fined £20,000 each.
The court also found an Indian, William D'souza, who managed the home, guilty of aiding and abetting the crime. He was sentenced to three years in prison.
"The judgment should go some way to ensure that India is wiped out from the map of people who indulge in sexual abuse of children," said the judge, P S Paranjape, who also announced the formation of a committee to decide how the fines could be used to rehabilitate the victims....
click here for article
DAD TRIED TO SELL GIRL
24/04/2006
A DAD has been accused of trying to sell his toddler daughter to get cash to fix up his house.
Danny Vu, 37, was asking £4,000 for his 18-month-old he was bringing up alone after his wife left....
click here for article
A DAD has been accused of trying to sell his toddler daughter to get cash to fix up his house.
Danny Vu, 37, was asking £4,000 for his 18-month-old he was bringing up alone after his wife left....
click here for article
Celeb adoption series causes controversy
Tuesday, July 18 2006, 6:16am EDT
By Daniel Kilkelly, Entertainment Reporter
A new reality TV show which sees celebrities trying to adopt a child has caused controversy.
The BBC One series, which is set to air next year, will follow three household names as adoption chiefs assess their suitability as parents....
click here for remaining article
By Daniel Kilkelly, Entertainment Reporter
A new reality TV show which sees celebrities trying to adopt a child has caused controversy.
The BBC One series, which is set to air next year, will follow three household names as adoption chiefs assess their suitability as parents....
click here for remaining article
Too heavy to adopt?
A quarter of the UK's population is obese, according to the measurements of the body mass index (BMI). But it's not just about health and looks - it can also affect whether a family can adopt, writes a reader in our Readers' Column who wishes to remain anonymous.
As an overweight nation, it's pretty obvious that we're leaving a deadly legacy to future generations. Something has to be done about it, and as someone who tries to follow a healthy diet, I'm glad that the government has provided a guide to assessing what's an acceptable weight.
The danger of the BMI however, is that not only is the scientific reasoning behind it questionable but once the bureaucrats get their hands on it, it goes from being a sensible guideline to a commandment; set in stone, non-negotiable. And it might well prevent me and my husband from having what we so desperately want: a family.
We have been trying for a baby for six years now and we were devastated when I had a miscarriage three years ago....
for remaining article
As an overweight nation, it's pretty obvious that we're leaving a deadly legacy to future generations. Something has to be done about it, and as someone who tries to follow a healthy diet, I'm glad that the government has provided a guide to assessing what's an acceptable weight.
The danger of the BMI however, is that not only is the scientific reasoning behind it questionable but once the bureaucrats get their hands on it, it goes from being a sensible guideline to a commandment; set in stone, non-negotiable. And it might well prevent me and my husband from having what we so desperately want: a family.
We have been trying for a baby for six years now and we were devastated when I had a miscarriage three years ago....
for remaining article
Personal Column: Adoption abroad
By Danielle Demetriou
Sunday, 22 October 2006
I was found abandoned in a tenement block in Hong Kong on Christmas Day in 1962. A stranger took me to a police station and I spent the first few months of my life in St Christopher's children's home.
The following year, I flew to the UK with four other Chinese babies to be adopted by British parents. Our arrival was so unusual it was written about in the Daily Mirror.
My adopted parents had been unable to adopt in the UK because my mother is Catholic and my father Church of England. Couples of mixed religions were not deemed fit to adopt....
for remaining article
Sunday, 22 October 2006
I was found abandoned in a tenement block in Hong Kong on Christmas Day in 1962. A stranger took me to a police station and I spent the first few months of my life in St Christopher's children's home.
The following year, I flew to the UK with four other Chinese babies to be adopted by British parents. Our arrival was so unusual it was written about in the Daily Mirror.
My adopted parents had been unable to adopt in the UK because my mother is Catholic and my father Church of England. Couples of mixed religions were not deemed fit to adopt....
for remaining article
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